Tired

MY life has been hell for years.

My whole life it seemed like my father was married to Alcohol instead of my mother. Seemed like my mother was married to denial. My sister and i were trapped in our bodies screaming for help and no one could hear us. up until about a year my parents stuck together, but didn't work on themselves.

Now I'm screaming alone, but no one seems to hear me. I'm in Jersey where life has pasted by me so fast and i didn't even realize. Here i am 23 years old with a "wife" and a step daughter. I work, drive, drink socially, don't smoke, don't do drugs ( i wish i did right now ), unhappy deep inside.

everyday i think about my family and how i wish we all were OK, but sometimes it doesn't happen that way. Out of sight out of mind they say. wish that was 100% true. My sister goes through hell and back everyday and i wish i could save her but I'm not a super hero with super powers. My dad is drowning in his own bottle of beer wish i could stop and save his life but i can't. my mother is lost like a little girl not knowing which way to go she's at a green light but still sees red wish i could be the car behind her that gives her that push to drive, but i can't.

I'm dying inside and i need help but no one seems to be able to help Jersey. Jersey seems to help everyone else that doesn't appreciate it but never receives it back. I'm TIRED.

I'm tired of being tired.

i'm always told that i "bitch" and complain about everything. once you say that to someone after so long is sticks into their head. when ever you say you always make it about YOU. in reality all im doing is letting someone know how i feel. i haven't talked to anyone in a long time. i stay to myself. i love my job because i get to talk to different people nation wide everyday. it's only job related but i feel good being able to talk. sounds stupid but it's true.


my friends came up from Maryland to see me. i got to go out it was the best thing ever we went out and it reminded me of the old days how we all use to roll. i miss just being "okay". was i ever though? how i feel right now makes me feel like i have been "okay" somewhere at sometime n point in my life. where do i go from here though? how do i fix this feeling?