Work was ok today. better then other days. after work i picked up a little cake of the woman i live with and took it home for HER. can you tell I'm mad?
my sister hits me up today to see what I'm doing this weekend. i told her nothing. then i think to myself (wait can't go visit her or even invite her over) the "Wife" will be upset. My sister lives about 45 minutes away and i see her...it feels like once a year. i felt bad this past weekend because my sister's roommate that I've known forever tells me you need to visit more often your like a stranger. it's true i haven't gone to visit them in a while. so whats new....
The "wife's" daughter isn't here this weekend she goes with her father. if i did go out she'd be home by herself and probably would give me an attitude because i was thinking about leaving her by herself. I'm trapped either way and I'm angry I'm fucking angry and i don't know what to do. I'll just deal with it.
over this past year I've grown up and have been dealing with bullshit from all angles from everyone. I'm more mature and i deal with situations as an Adult. but then again....i do make it all about me or WAIT i do complain like a bitch all the time. my bad!
i feel...
like yelling out loud and crying at the same time. squeezing my fists tight and my eyes even tighter. drop to my knees, lean over and put my forehead to the ground and scream louder. i need a vacation from everything and everyone. yes i made my mistakes and i HAVE to deal with em everyday for the rest of my life and that's really scary.
well I'm signing out....peace to all you PeOple
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Friday, June 20, 2008
Fuckin' Friday
I've been running around non-stop at work today. Helping everyone because i feel like i'm the only one ever doing shit. Mean time,
my mother is down here for a show on Broadway my sister and i are taking her. i think it will be exciting. so all day tomorrow i will be chillin' in new york. How fun.... talked to my father today what a bummer. he's been Golfing and waiting for work with my Uncle. I feel sad because he's alone and not doing anything. While my mother is doing anything and everything possible. she's moving up in life.
i have been thinking about my family. i block them out of my life. i dont care for them or maybe i am tired of the bullshit and worrying about them. sad but it's true...i'm not the only one going through this though. there are tons of families like mine and worse. i could have it worse but im glad i live in Jersey away from everyone i know. i do love my life at times but other times i hate it. i have to keep reminding myself everything will be ok and i will survive.
i am thankful that i'm still here. anyways im about to OUTTTTTTTTTTT of my job. so peace out MoFo's
my mother is down here for a show on Broadway my sister and i are taking her. i think it will be exciting. so all day tomorrow i will be chillin' in new york. How fun.... talked to my father today what a bummer. he's been Golfing and waiting for work with my Uncle. I feel sad because he's alone and not doing anything. While my mother is doing anything and everything possible. she's moving up in life.
i have been thinking about my family. i block them out of my life. i dont care for them or maybe i am tired of the bullshit and worrying about them. sad but it's true...i'm not the only one going through this though. there are tons of families like mine and worse. i could have it worse but im glad i live in Jersey away from everyone i know. i do love my life at times but other times i hate it. i have to keep reminding myself everything will be ok and i will survive.
i am thankful that i'm still here. anyways im about to OUTTTTTTTTTTT of my job. so peace out MoFo's
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Angry Sunday
Ok so here it goes.
I'm at Target today getting shit for the house and food for the needy. I get this call from "the Wife" asking me who i have been texting and talking to. Here we go AGAIN! I told her the truth. Guess what? she didn't believe me. i stay calm and continue on with what i needed to get. called her again asking her what's the deal. she gets on me because i wanted to go to my sisters house but really wanted to go somewhere else. Listen if i tell you im going to my sisters house IM FUCKING GOING.
Didn't go last night though because she wasn't feeling well and i would've been "inconsiderate". Thanks for staying home with me was my prize. Great. not being able to go to my sisters house was a bummer. ain't shit i can do though because i dug myself in this hole. i dug my hole FARRRRRRRRRRRRR FAR down.
I'm a nice person but a mean person deep down inside now. my life right now i don't give a fuck who you are and what you do but i will run over you like a bulldozer. i'm quick to mouth off to anyone that pisses me off. That's not always a good thing but my mentality is so fucking what.
I'm sitting here wondering wtf to do. stay quiet and do what i do every single day wake up, go to work, pick up, go home, walk the dogs, sleep. i might just do that and not care about shit anymore. i just dont care...fuck you, fuck whoever else, fuck the world.
p.s. Before getting into a relationship think about what you want in life and if you really need that person in your life forever. Think about 5 years down the road can you see this person with you ? can they handle your personality and how you handle certain situations. Once you get big will they be able to handle that shit? ............................ask fucking questions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WunN LuV ...
-Im Dead
I'm at Target today getting shit for the house and food for the needy. I get this call from "the Wife" asking me who i have been texting and talking to. Here we go AGAIN! I told her the truth. Guess what? she didn't believe me. i stay calm and continue on with what i needed to get. called her again asking her what's the deal. she gets on me because i wanted to go to my sisters house but really wanted to go somewhere else. Listen if i tell you im going to my sisters house IM FUCKING GOING.
Didn't go last night though because she wasn't feeling well and i would've been "inconsiderate". Thanks for staying home with me was my prize. Great. not being able to go to my sisters house was a bummer. ain't shit i can do though because i dug myself in this hole. i dug my hole FARRRRRRRRRRRRR FAR down.
I'm a nice person but a mean person deep down inside now. my life right now i don't give a fuck who you are and what you do but i will run over you like a bulldozer. i'm quick to mouth off to anyone that pisses me off. That's not always a good thing but my mentality is so fucking what.
I'm sitting here wondering wtf to do. stay quiet and do what i do every single day wake up, go to work, pick up, go home, walk the dogs, sleep. i might just do that and not care about shit anymore. i just dont care...fuck you, fuck whoever else, fuck the world.
p.s. Before getting into a relationship think about what you want in life and if you really need that person in your life forever. Think about 5 years down the road can you see this person with you ? can they handle your personality and how you handle certain situations. Once you get big will they be able to handle that shit? ............................ask fucking questions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WunN LuV ...
-Im Dead
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Tired
MY life has been hell for years.
My whole life it seemed like my father was married to Alcohol instead of my mother. Seemed like my mother was married to denial. My sister and i were trapped in our bodies screaming for help and no one could hear us. up until about a year my parents stuck together, but didn't work on themselves.
Now I'm screaming alone, but no one seems to hear me. I'm in Jersey where life has pasted by me so fast and i didn't even realize. Here i am 23 years old with a "wife" and a step daughter. I work, drive, drink socially, don't smoke, don't do drugs ( i wish i did right now ), unhappy deep inside.
everyday i think about my family and how i wish we all were OK, but sometimes it doesn't happen that way. Out of sight out of mind they say. wish that was 100% true. My sister goes through hell and back everyday and i wish i could save her but I'm not a super hero with super powers. My dad is drowning in his own bottle of beer wish i could stop and save his life but i can't. my mother is lost like a little girl not knowing which way to go she's at a green light but still sees red wish i could be the car behind her that gives her that push to drive, but i can't.
I'm dying inside and i need help but no one seems to be able to help Jersey. Jersey seems to help everyone else that doesn't appreciate it but never receives it back. I'm TIRED.
I'm tired of being tired.
i'm always told that i "bitch" and complain about everything. once you say that to someone after so long is sticks into their head. when ever you say you always make it about YOU. in reality all im doing is letting someone know how i feel. i haven't talked to anyone in a long time. i stay to myself. i love my job because i get to talk to different people nation wide everyday. it's only job related but i feel good being able to talk. sounds stupid but it's true.
my friends came up from Maryland to see me. i got to go out it was the best thing ever we went out and it reminded me of the old days how we all use to roll. i miss just being "okay". was i ever though? how i feel right now makes me feel like i have been "okay" somewhere at sometime n point in my life. where do i go from here though? how do i fix this feeling?
My whole life it seemed like my father was married to Alcohol instead of my mother. Seemed like my mother was married to denial. My sister and i were trapped in our bodies screaming for help and no one could hear us. up until about a year my parents stuck together, but didn't work on themselves.
Now I'm screaming alone, but no one seems to hear me. I'm in Jersey where life has pasted by me so fast and i didn't even realize. Here i am 23 years old with a "wife" and a step daughter. I work, drive, drink socially, don't smoke, don't do drugs ( i wish i did right now ), unhappy deep inside.
everyday i think about my family and how i wish we all were OK, but sometimes it doesn't happen that way. Out of sight out of mind they say. wish that was 100% true. My sister goes through hell and back everyday and i wish i could save her but I'm not a super hero with super powers. My dad is drowning in his own bottle of beer wish i could stop and save his life but i can't. my mother is lost like a little girl not knowing which way to go she's at a green light but still sees red wish i could be the car behind her that gives her that push to drive, but i can't.
I'm dying inside and i need help but no one seems to be able to help Jersey. Jersey seems to help everyone else that doesn't appreciate it but never receives it back. I'm TIRED.
I'm tired of being tired.
i'm always told that i "bitch" and complain about everything. once you say that to someone after so long is sticks into their head. when ever you say you always make it about YOU. in reality all im doing is letting someone know how i feel. i haven't talked to anyone in a long time. i stay to myself. i love my job because i get to talk to different people nation wide everyday. it's only job related but i feel good being able to talk. sounds stupid but it's true.
my friends came up from Maryland to see me. i got to go out it was the best thing ever we went out and it reminded me of the old days how we all use to roll. i miss just being "okay". was i ever though? how i feel right now makes me feel like i have been "okay" somewhere at sometime n point in my life. where do i go from here though? how do i fix this feeling?
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